Are You Helping Too Much?

Have you ever found yourself in a position where you felt you were doing everything you could to help someone yet their negative situation just got worse and worse?

Have you ever found yourself going out of your way to help (fix) someone yet they wouldn’t take your advice or frustratingly enough, they would agree with your advice but then not take action?

Have you ever found yourself giving money, opportunities, time and attention to someone yet they weren’t there for you when you needed them?

If you’ve answered “yes” to any of these questions, then it’s quite possible you are enabling the other person.

You might be enabling whenever you’re trying to help someone, but your actions are, instead, exacerbating the issues.

Sample Scenarios:

Your friend and co-worker, Sally, has been drinking a little more than usual. Recently, she’s coming in late to work and asking you to cover for her. When the supervisor asks you where Sally is, you say, “She went to Human Resources to ask a question. She should be right back.”

Your husband constantly complains about his job. You listen to him “vent”, gently offering suggestions on what to do. You help him update his resume and even apply, on his behalf, for positions you find on LinkedIn. He spends much of his free time laying on the couch listening to music or watching movies. He’s grateful to you for sharing his resume online because he claims he’s too busy to do it himself. You wonder if he could dedicate a little time every evening to look for a new job instead of continuing to lay around and complain. You justify it in your mind as everyone deserves some downtime. And you know how hard he works during the day. It’s just easier if you do it for him.

Late one evening, your son admits he hasn’t finished his science presentation that’s due tomorrow. He asks if you’ll finish his partially completed project. Although you’re tired and would rather go watch tv and relax, you agree to prepare the slide deck for his presentation before tomorrow morning.

Unfortunately, even if you don’t mind offering your consistent aid, your efforts are ensuring that your loved ones don’t have to take responsibility for their actions.

The Solution

What can you do to break the cycle of enabling someone you care about?

Follow these helpful tips:

Stop. Even though it’s your friend or loved one, picking up the slack for them is not helping them grow into their potential. Nor is it allowing them the opportunity to feel pride, joy, and valuable – all those “feels” that come along with accomplishing our goals and reaching for our dreams.
Observe. Rather than being so quick to jump in and offer help, sit back and watch what happens. Notice patterns in the person’s behaviors. Do they even want your help? Do they play the victim? What do they really need (instead of want) in this situation?
Listen. Stay informed of how your friend or loved one is doing. A good friend listens attentively. Consider listening an important act of caring.
Allow opportunity for your loved one to figure things out for themselves. Keep in mind that when you jump in and spontaneously offer your assistance all the time, the individual is robbed of opportunities to learn to creatively resolve their own challenges.
Decline any direct requests for help. Recognize that your continued efforts to pick up the slack now are setting up your friend or loved one for a big fall later. Accept that it’s better if it happens sooner – when the situation isn’t so far out of hand or the stakes are not so high – than later.

Using the example above regarding your son asking for your help with his presentation, you could say something like, “Oh, I’m so sorry, it’s been a busy day and I’d like to relax. I’d be happy to look it over when you’re done though. I’m sure it will be great.” Then say nothing else.

Recognize it’s not your job to fix their troublesome situations. When you decline to help, you’re silently placing the issue back squarely on their shoulders where it belongs. Remember, it’s not your situation; it belongs to them.
Disengage emotionally from the person. Once you understand what you’re doing, you’ll be better able to remain on the outside of your friend’s troubling events. Think of your friend and their issues as a tornado. Then, decide to remain outside of the whirlwind.

You’ll no longer allow yourself to get “sucked in” to your friend or loved one’s current crisis. You can still be their friend or confidante and spend time with them, if you choose. But you’ll avoid being pulled into the fray of your friend’s ongoing drama.
When you disengage emotionally, applying all the above strategies is also much easier.

Disengaging can be the most caring action you can take.

When I refer to disengaging, I’m not suggesting you stop caring. Actually, disengaging can be the most caring action you can take. When you disengage, you are setting healthy boundaries that honor both yourself and your friend or loved one. It shows that you believe in them and their ability to handle the situation gracefully and responsibly.

If you think you’re caught up in the cycle of helping a friend or loved one too much, step back and examine your relationship with the person. Then, apply the strategies above to stop enabling their self-limiting behaviors.

As your loved one’s world becomes more overwhelming to them, it will encourage them to seek more direct assistance in resolving their underlying issues.

It may also provide the push they need to step up and finally take action and responsibility for their own happiness and success.