A Completely Different Approach To Venting

Have you ever felt like screaming and punching a pillow to make you feel less angry?

When I was in college, my best friend Shelley and I would go into the lounge area of our dorm and for just a few seconds, we’d scream our little hearts out!  It was such a stress reliever during exam time!  After screaming, we would collapse in a fit of giggles, talk about the boys we were dating, and then feeling rejuvenated, we’d go back to writing our term papers – which we typed on electric typewriters!  Remember those?!

Studies show that venting unpleasant emotions can reinforce those feelings.  On the other hand, like Sigmund Freud said, bottling them up is usually even worse.

So what can you do when you’re overcome with intense emotions like anger and anxiety?

Try these tips for processing and expressing difficult feelings.

Preventing Unpleasant Feelings

1. Take a deep breath. Tension builds up quickly. When another driver cuts you off, pause and pay attention to your breathing. Gently stretch to loosen up your shoulders and neck. Think of a pleasant memory that makes you smile or even laugh.When you’re dealing with traumatic events, focus on slow, deep breaths.  It may sound too simple but it actually works.  When more oxygen is brought into your body through your breath, cortisol levels begin to decline and your body’s reaction to the stressful event or emotions (rapid heartbeat, sweating, crying, panic-y, jumpy feelings) will also lessen.
2. Accept discomfort. Everything from distracted drivers and earthquakes are part of life. Plan for delays and obstacles so they stop taking you by surprise.  Also understand that there is a natural flow and balance in our Universe.  Sometimes our delays are blessings in disguise.
3. Care for yourself. Healthy lifestyle habits make you more resilient. Eat a balanced diet and exercise regularly. Maintain a consistent bedtime that allows for at least 7 hours of sleep.
4. Shift your attention.  Catch yourself when you’re dwelling on the past  –  arguments, relationships, “should-haves” and “could-haves”.  It’s easy to go down the rabbit hole when we’re focused on the past or things we can’t control.  First, change your posture.

   If you’re sitting, then stand up and move.  If you’re standing, walk to a different room.  Next, change your language.  Decide what is really true about the current situation and speak that truth to yourself as though you were helping a friend or a child.  Think about what you’ve learned from this experience and how you can apply that lesson going forward to make life better for yourself and others involved.

Viewing Unpleasant Feelings Differently

1. Question your assumptions. It’s difficult to resist venting because most of us believe it will provide relief.  And it does, in the moment.  For lasting change, however, it’s often better to look creatively at the situation and foster compassion and gratitude.  These two qualities have remarkable power to shift your mindset.Compassion and gratitude align us with higher wisdom.  When we view a situation through a more compassionate lens, we remember that everyone is doing the best they can with the knowledge and understanding that they have.  We can be grateful for the dark experiences because they show us the light that helps us grow and be kinder human beings.
2. Set priorities. It’s worth fighting injustice if your child is being bullied at school. If another shopper wants to count four cans of cat food as one item, it makes more sense to be flexible.  In other words, “don’t sweat the small stuff”.
3. Assume responsibility. Indignation is less tempting when you face how you contributed to the issue. During stressful situations, it’s difficult to point the finger at ourselves but doing so is not about self recrimination.  It’s about personal responsibility.  Did you criticize instead of discuss?  Did you ignore instead of face reality?  Did you antagonize instead of compromise?Ask yourself how a change in communication style or expression (eye contact, tone of voice, energy level) might lead to collaboration and more meaningful connections?
4. Focus on solutions. Unpleasant feelings can be beneficial when they prompt you to take action. Acknowledge your anger or sadness, feel it for a time, and then concentrate on fixing the situation through honesty, respect, and healthy boundaries.  In coaching we like to remind people that it’s totally okay to sit with all those uncomfortable feelings – just don’t unpack and live there.  Repetitively processing your thoughts and emotions is where people get stuck.  Reach out for help if you need it or choose a different response.

Responding to Unpleasant Feelings Differently

1. Seek validation. Talk with a friend or family member about your concerns. Receiving compassion and support will help you to cheer up and put things in perspective.
2. Ask for feedback. Certified Life Coaches who are great listeners and completely neutral to the situation may also help you to clarify your perceptions and understand your options.  The main objective of life coaching is to help people take action toward achieving their goals. Discovering what’s really important to you and learning to meet your needs in healthy positive ways organically creates happiness and deep fulfillment.  Coaching shares tools and strategies for better communication, more balanced emotions, and navigating life’s ups and downs.
3. Negotiate conflicts. When possible, approach the other party in a dispute directly. Work out compromises so you and your loved ones, neighbors or co-workers can enjoy stronger relationships.
4. Consider counseling. If you’re angry or upset more often than usual, there may be underlying causes. Therapy provides a safe forum for exploration into why things are the way they are.  It involves management of mental health conditions and very often, the development of skills to reduce stress.
5. Write it out.  Journaling is always helpful. Keep track of what is triggering your irritation or sadness. Are you working too much overtime or struggling with single parenting?  Is guilt or shame overshadowing all the good in your life?
6. Limit social media.  It’s very easy to post your frustrations and seek validation of your feelings and beliefs.  True growth comes from going inward and connecting with your heart.  There’s nothing “out there” that can fix you.  A cute meme or some sympathy can ease the pain for a while but true healing can only occur when you are willing to open your heart and your mind to the possibility that there might be another way.
7. Create new patterns. The good news is that each time you decide to take action instead of whining, you train yourself to become more calm and resourceful. Soon you’ll have little desire to vent and more desire to really heal.

It may feel gratifying to have a meltdown over your current circumstances – but indulging those impulses comes at a high price.

For real issues, protect your physical health, relationships, and peace of mind by dealing with unpleasant emotions constructively and compassionately.