Children are so unique and they change and grow so quickly! It’s hard to tell what they’re truly capable of at any given stage of development. Sometimes my expectations are way too high but more times than not, I’m pleasantly surprised by the maturity and abilities that my kids possess.
No doubt, you love your kids as much as I do and want so much to help, protect, teach and guide them. You also (and sometimes desperately) want to impart the knowledge and wisdom that you have gained in order to save them from any unnecessary hurt or struggle.
And that’s the foundation of parenting, right?
However, it’s important to remember to give our children room to grow into the successful adults we hope they’ll become. It’s also important that we, as their parents, don’t cling to a vision of how this growth and success should manifest.
Children need us differently at different stages.
As our children grow from infancy to toddler-hood, to school-age, to teen and beyond – they need their parents differently than they might have when they were younger. And so, we must adapt to meet the needs of their current life stage.
This shift usually involves a form of letting go, giving more responsibility and allowing our kids to experience the world around them in order for them to figure out who they really are. Offering opportunities to explore their natural talents, test their strengths and even suffer the consequences of their mistakes.
Do you ever use your kids, consciously or unconsciously, to meet your own unfulfilled needs or wishes? Or do you feel, perhaps, that if you don’t make every decision, your kids will just spin out of control? It’s okay if you do. We all do this at some point.
Would you like to learn where that line is between participating in your child’s life in a healthy balanced way instead of being overly involved and using them to fulfill your own needs and ambitions?
There is a line and it’s a good one.
Here are some steps you can take today to better support the personal growth of both yourself and your child:
Personal Action Steps
- Resolve your own inner conflicts. Come to terms with your childhood expectations and your current reality. Focus on what you do have instead of what you could’ve had or what you think you should have.
- Live in the present. It’s natural to feel some nostalgia for the past. But, instead of spending too much time reflecting on your reign as prom queen, football star, or valedictorian, remind yourself of all the blessings you enjoy today.
- Set new goals. There’s always time to create new objectives to strive for. Make a commitment to go mountain climbing or renovate your basement. Figure out what you need to do to start your own business or advance yourself at work.
- Continue learning. Sign up for adult education courses or join a Meet-Up. Become fluent in Japanese, or perfect your chess game. There are meet up groups for almost every interest. It’s also a great opportunity to connect with other like-minded friends
- Accept your age. It’s easier to watch your kids grow up when you’re comfortable with your own identity. Dispel media stereotypes about seniors and search for inspiring role models.
- Collaborate with your partner. Parenting works best when you’re both on the same page. Open communication will help you evaluate your actions and make adjustments.
- Build lasting legacies. Keep fleeting events in perspective. The love and respect between you and your children matters more than hitting a home run at a baseball game.
Steps to Take with Your Kids
- Recognize your child’s individuality. Acknowledge that each child is a unique being. It will help protect you from assuming they’re an extension of you. Create a list in a journal or on your phone of all the significant qualities your child has. Don’t forget to include personality traits or show of values that made you proud, as well. It can be very heartwarming to remember a time when your child reached out in kindness to the new kid or when he offered to do extra chores so he could save up for something special.
- Listen to your children. Pay attention to the aspirations of your children. Their words and actions reveal their interests. Ask questions to show your interest and to connect with them more deeply.
- Encourage exploration. Childhood is a time of discovery. Share their excitement about drama club or a soccer game. Visit the library together and plan memorable vacations. Buy a family membership at your local art or natural history museum. And don’t stress over every grade. There’s so much to learn outside the classroom.
- Apply pressure wisely. Excessive force can push people in the opposite direction. If your son falls behind in Algebra, talk with the teacher rather than imposing unreasonable study hours.
- Provide positive attention. Sometimes we admire our kids for rebelling a little. Even when their pranks are amusing, reinforce values about being responsible and considerate. Create a healthy balance between discipline and praise.
- Send clear signals. We may also feel some sadness or resentment if someone else gets something we wanted for ourselves. Maybe you looked forward to becoming a doctor, but couldn’t afford the tuition. Now it’s your child who graduates from medical school. Celebrate their achievements. Congratulate yourself for giving them greater opportunities.
- Watch for signs of burnout. Spending more time with friends may leave them refreshed and rejuvenated. Alternating between different sports can prevent boredom and overuse injuries. Let them choose their sports and activities. And focus on exercise and a healthy lifestyle as opposed to participating to be the star player.
Be supportive. Be encouraging even when your kids decline to follow in your footsteps. Each individual has their own preferences. Demonstrate your enthusiasm by providing the resources they need to cultivate whatever hobbies they choose. Share their struggles and commend them on their efforts.
Focus on your own development so you’re a good example and give your children enough freedom to pursue their own dreams. You’ll be rewarded with a fulfilling life and eventually, a wonderful adult relationship with your child.
That’s definitely something special to look forward to.
